IT'S ALL ABOUT CONVERSATION.......

Traditionally we teach our clients about their dysfunctional roots, the damage that was done to the them. We list all the things that are wrong with the client as a result of this life history. The came from chaos. They felt unsafe. They did whatever a child's mind can configure to survive in this war zone. Those coping skills that worked as a child can create craziness in us as adults. What do you think the client is feeling and thinking when entering a substance abuse treatment facility? Loss. Grief. Overwhelmed. Angry. How about hopeless? What happens when a person feels hopeless? They can numb themselves - and that can be anything from substance abuse to agoraphobia, to any addictive, compulsive behavior that relieves the 'bad' feelin. Or they determinedly persevere on sheer 'will to survive' feelings. That if we recognize the history, accept the coping behaviors the client may have used back when, and then celebrate the resiliency and strength it took to survive? We know that accepting our past and keeping it in the past is part of life healing. What about a new approach? Not a 'touchy-feely-happy face-get well quick' easy solution. This approach is also deep, soul-searching work. This is about story telling, about conversation. Once a story is told - especially in a group setting, there is often a sense of acceptance and peace. Most often, everyone in the group has the same story. Then - a change of patter. "Well, Harry, it must have taken a lot of thought and planning to figure out how you were going to get your little brother to school when you were too young to drive - how did you do that?" It's as simple as a change in language. Be rephrasing, Harry now feels that he did something good. He is not overwhelmed with pity - which is debilitating. Every item he lists that he did to make this happen is a realization of strength - hence self-esteem. We now have a new starting place. As conversation continues and the feeling of hope fills the room - and you can feel it! Clients are filled with the sometimes foreign feeling of "You mean I'm not ruined?" So, how do we keep this healing process on track? I've mentioned several times the words conversation and story telling. For centuries, out ancestors used story telling as a way to teach, to vent, to entertain. It is still a great tool we often overlook.

Manners….What Manners?

For all of us ‘old’ people it is sometimes difficult for us to watch the kids of today with what we would call bad manners. Adults who are over 50 were fortunate enough to have learned good manners not only from our parents, but also from our teachers. So, what does it matter if our children have good manners? In this world of instant gratification, does asking please takes too long? And I have noticed in my travels that people that live in cities are less likely to say ‘excuse me’ or even ‘thanks’. Not enough time? Don’t want to connect with strangers? Scared? I have yet to figure out the reason, but I still stand by my values that good manners are worth using. As with any behavior, people learn by modeling, by trying things and realizing they are worthy, and seeing the reactions by strangers that are the recipients of your good manners. So what are good manners? Of course saying please and thank you is at the top of the list. When someone opens the door for you, saying ‘thank you’, or even better opening the door for someone else. Do not walk into or step in front of someone without saying ‘excuse me’. Manners are about being kind and considerate to your fellow man. A smile can do wonders for the person next to you in line. Think of how it makes you feel when someone says ‘Hi’ and nods to you. Helping someone less fortunate than you can not only make his or her day, but also can put a glow in your heart for helping. Like many other behaviors, children learn by example. Life and social skills are important in teaching our children how to stay safe. It opens doors for our kids. It gives them the tools they need to succeed and get the best from their environment. Remember when Grandma used to say, ‘You get more with honey than with vinegar’? It’s really true. So parents, grandparents, teachers, and others, set a good example by using good manners and teaching our kids the benefits.

Underage drinking

Living in a rural community has many benefits. Less crime, less noise, and better real estate prices. However, something that runs rampant in our rural state is underage drinking. There are lots of reasons, but most teenagers drink because of peer pressure and to relieve stress. You may ask yourself, "stress?". Yes, our teenagers today aren't like we were 30 years ago. We used to choose one extra curriculum activity - say, basketball, or chorus. But today, our teens are invested in ALL the sports, and ALL the clubs and activities. Have to make good grades, have to be the best at making jump shots, have to be the most popular. It's a war zone out there. This is just the tip of the ice burg. Dating. Oh, that's a whole new can of worms. And in order to be able to afford the sports equipment or a car to get to all the activities,you need a fit in a job somewhere in the chaos. You begin to see that some of our teens have twice the stress of a grownup. Then add what's happening at home. At some point something has to give. "Have a beer!" Research tells us that teens really do listen to parents. One of the main reasons teens say they don't drink is because of what parents have told them. What is happening at home? Do you sit down and talk to your teen about your attitudes about drinking? Are you a good role model? Keep track of how many things your teen is involved in - what is most important? Building assets in your teen is a huge tool to ensure your teen feels self-confident. By building assets, I mean finding the spark or passion that's in your teen. Spend time with him or her. Really listen when they talk - make sure they don't have too heavy of a load. And like most parents, as they grow into adults, you are very grateful they made it that far.

I was recently invited to present an overview of alcohol and addiction at a nearby high school. Tony (not real name) was doing a senior project. And he would get extra credit if he could get a speaker. He had put together a power point presentation and speech. And he was nervous. After he had presented a wonderful speech, he introduced me. As I was talking to the fifth, sixth, and seventh graders on the dangers of underage drinking, the students were very attentive. I explained the development of the brain and how it is still growing well into the 20's. I gave a brief overview of how excessive alcohol use can actually change your brain. We talked about the Youth Diversion Classes that are sometimes required if you have been charged with minor consumption. Also important is the actual monetary cost of all that charge may imply. A night in jail, missed work, finding a ride to and from school, classes, court, etc. This can actually add up to a substantial amount, in one case $2000 for the teen. The students asked all kinds of questions. Perhaps the one that sticks in my mind was from a 6th grade student. She was shy and quiet and I had to ask her to repeat her question. The question was simple: "If alcohol is so bad, why doesn't the President make them quit making it?" Wow. How do you explain to a 6th grader commercialism, stocks, complicated legislation? I kept it simple. I said "Money". Beer and liquor distillers make a lot of money making it. I also encouraged her to ask her parents to let their congressman know her feelings. I don't think she understood my answer completely, but she accepted it. Just like all the rest of us.